consuming

Did I get too comfortable to care?

When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming?

If You're all You claim to be, then I'm not losing anything.

This has been the week (or two) of falling on my face.

I am a thorn in your crown. But You love me anyway.

I do this. I live a comfortable life. I think I can coast. And I try. But it's a battle, this life of following Christ, and coasting means that I'm ignoring the battle, pretending it doesn't exist.

I am the nail in your wrist. But You love me anyway.

Thus the falling on the face thing.

This week has been a battle. It feels like everything I've ever struggled with is crashing down on me all at once. I feel utterly and completely weak.

Which, of course, I am.

I am the man who yelled out from the crowd for Your blood to be spilled on this earth-shaking ground, with this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace; and then alone in the night, I still called out for You.

You love me anyway.

And so I've reached today, exhausted, but full of hope and the promise of joy. Because in weakness and giving up, I'm no longer complacent. I'm flat on my face, but flat on my face before Him; I'm clinging to grace and finally saying, God, this has got to be You. I give up control I never had to begin with.

And I'm going to keep fighting. Fighting the urge not to care, and the urge to feel like a failure, and the urge to do go it alone. Because this is the truth God has whispered into my heart this week:

You are My precious child. Your weakness means that you can finally see My strength. When you fall upon My grace, I will hold you. You're not a failure. We're only getting started in this chipping-away process, this molding and forming and shaping to be like Me.


Forgetting what the world has told me, Father of love, You can have me.

overflowing

these are the days of running-out-of-words.

yesterday I watched three flowers bloom, one right after the other, pushing petals out in increments until they popped free of overlapping grasps. today the late-afternoon sun is shadowing itself through the blinds and over the flowers, over their riot of fall reds and yellows and pale striped pinks and purples. my desk is a little more alive than usual. and at the risk of sounding like a completely hopeless romantic (which, I freely and somewhat bemusedly admit, is what I have morphed into after the last two and a half months), I feel that way today as well. so this, I find myself thinking, is what it is supposed to feel like. effortless. overwhelming. running-out-of-words.

whisper

you know, she said, the past has been lingering this week; stray ghosts sitting next to me in the car, following me through the house. I hear them whispering; why is the world so changed? who have you become? why have you left us behind?

I keep telling them, she said, over and over; I did not leave them behind, they left me, and that was how it should be: we all needed to be left and turned out on our own, and me most of all. isn't it much better that way?

I said, better? it's not a matter of better or worse, it's a matter of life. we all have ghosts lingering in the corners, but ghosts have to make way for flesh and blood and laughter and warmth. life is more beautiful than transparent memories and regrets.

6 days

and so wedding week begins. I'm hoping to get sleep tonight, and tomorrow night, because after that I probably won't get decent sleep for a while. I've been in a bad state the last few days; alternately slightly tired and flat-out zombiefied. And I want to enjoy this week. Lots of Carver relatives in town, and that means endless fun and the feeling of being home.

The Glee version of Bohemian Rhapsody is currently running on repeat through my head, probably because I had it running on repeat most of the day yesterday. It's a fun song. So sue me.

I realized this week how much I like being around people who make me feel restful, at peace, quiet-spirited. That doesn't happen often.

random thoughts and plans of the moment

I really don't know how I didn't love Arrested Development the first time I saw it. I mean, I liked it, but Rob, Grace, and I were watching the first season last night (a first for Grace), and I really do love it.

last night was funny all around. Grace and I made Rob wait outside while we frantically tried to stick a bow to Bozeman's collar (doomed to fail from the start; Grace finally stuck it on top of my head) and light a candle on top of a monster chocolate cupcake (took three tries, one of which I manage to blow out while on my way to the door). we were goofy and giddy and I just love my life.

way too many fun things going on over the next few days. dinner with Rob and his parents tonight, date night tomorrow, cooking and getting my hair done and holding babies on Saturday (and possibly crashing an anniversary party/taco bar--jury's still out on that one), and then we're off to Estes on Sunday to hike and look at aspens and take lots of pictures.

we [I find myself talking "we" terms a lot now that I live with Grace--"we will meet you for dinner," "we were just thinking about that"...] talked to Beefy last night. are trying to convince her to come live with us now, instead of waiting until next summer. are currently not succeeding in our efforts, but Grace and I are nothing if not persistent. but Beefy is (almost) for sure coming to visit in October, so we are somewhat placated.

we joined the Y. it's good for me to live with Grace. she makes me work out, if that's what you can call our lifting-weights-for-half-an-hour and one-mile run.

two weeks and change until Rachel and Dan's wedding. crazy. I was the first one of us to have a dream about it. Rachel tried to make me wear not one, but two ugly corsages. I am so looking forward to this wedding; Carver family craziness, lots of laughter, dancing, food. it's a beautiful thing.

unfathomable

been feeling endless joy for, well, everything. I've said it before, and I'll say it again--I do not want circumstances to define my happiness, but while I remain overwhelmed by the depth and sweetness of my God's love, everything He's given me in life right now is pretty much perfect too. I am so undeserving of all these blessings.

Grace and I talked for a long time the other night about how God in His love prepares us for different things in life. When I consider the care He took to bring my heart to the place it is now--how He has molded me into who I am today--and how He has prepared me for these moments, I feel such confidence and hope in the future. His love knows me intimately, and through every circumstance He crafts my heart to love Him in return and love Him more deeply; how can I not trust Him in whatever He wants to do next?

last night I had a dream that didn't feel like a dream; I was talking to God, and suddenly He gave me a glimpse of heaven. Just a glimpse, a fraction of an instant, and I can't say anything about how it looked except that it was full of intense and overwhelming light; but it felt like nothing I've never felt, something so amazing and beyond understanding that in my dream I begged over and over after that instant, God show me Your glory again, God show me again, God please. I woke up feeling so close to His presence, so captured by His love, still longing for another glimpse.

moving notes

I'll be working on migrating my old blog over here (no easy way to do it, unfortunately), but for now I'll be using secondthoughts.wordpress.com as an archive (was having way too many problems with posting/viewing/everything on wordpress), and any new posts can be found here.