It's not about complementarianism, to use the technicalities of the word. Back when I was taking Gender, Politics, and Communication, back when life was teaching me to see how warped ideas of gender roles could be, back when I started to understand that feminist wasn't the terrible word I'd always thought it was, I may have decried submission and man-as-the-leader. But God healed my submission-wary heart and showed me that I shouldn't pin the blame for human failing on His design. And after healing me, He showed me how beautiful it could be, and, yes, different based on the marriage and the personalities and the people He brought together. My heart thrives because Rob makes me feel utterly cherished and valued, in my opinions, actions, words. We're probably mostly on the egalitarian scale, but agree that, on the very rare occasions we can't come to a place of agreement, he may have to make the final decision. But I know he'd never do that without fully honoring and listening to me first, before trying to reach a decision together.
And--it took me longer to understand, and some days it's still hard for me to respect--some personalities just do better with extremely traditional marriages. I just read a blog post where a man compared a good wife to a good dog and thought Dear God, this can't be how you intend men to view their wives. It just seemed so disrespectful, to compare one's spouse to a slavish and mindlessly devoted animal (never mind that I doubt many women would like to be told they should be more like a dog). But. I have to understand that in some contexts, some marriages, women aren't going to react that way at all. Where I see disrespect and devaluing, they're going to appreciate the example and see themselves and their ways of submitting and serving in that example. It's not disrespectful to them, and they do not feel devalued, so I shouldn't put that on them. Granted, the whole metaphor still makes me shudder a little, but I've realized that I can't expect traditional-gender-role folks to respect me if I don't attempt to respect them.
Maybe it's on my mind this week because of my conversations with Ruth about purity balls (note: purity balls are different from father-daughter dances, which rightly focus on building relationship and having a fun time. Purity balls involve signing a weird formal contract without really encouraging pursuit of relationship that would render the contract unneeded). Revisiting the strange world of conservative homeschoolers. My family never dove into it completely, and I'm so grateful to my parents for modeling a partnership and grace in the midst of a legalistic culture. But man, what a culture. I still wonder at them--at the girl who I was friends with in high school who suddenly started acting cold and downright rude to me for some unknown reason (I think she thought she was making me feel judged for whatever it was I'd done, but it amused me more than anything else. Such immaturity from a grown woman who should know better). At the man who wouldn't even look at me because I'd left a church, even though I did it with the blessing of so many cherished ones there, because they understood that God was the one calling me to a new adventure. In some corners of that culture, I see so little love. So little grace. Lots of "if you aren't this way that I say you should be or doing what I say you should do, then you are sinful and worldly and wrong." It feels fairly pervasive at times, though I have to remind myself of the wonderful people I still know within it, those with kind hearts and selfless love. And, even as I write this, I feel the slight squeezing in my heart that says, You can be pretty unkind yourself still. Not legalistic, perhaps, but intolerant of those I view as unbending or legalistic or clingy or socially inept. Sigh. I've come a long way, but I have even farther to go.
Anyway. Enough of the ramblings. I'm so thankful for life now, for freedom and uninhibited love and friends who don't mind a glass of wine over good conversation about what God's teaching us. For family that models transparency and growth in grace. For a husband who consistently shows love and selflessness and brings so much laughter and joy to every moment. Away, you shadows and wonderings about the past world. This one is beautiful enough to cover all.
